My Thoughts (8/11/2015)

I have traveled to so many different countries when I was young, thanks to my dad who is obsessed with traveling, so I have many different views about the world. 

I have spent a lot of time wondering about the world and myself (Identity).

I am currently studying and living in Irvine. I love Irvine. It's a cool place. I felt in love with Irvine's pretty lakes at first glance. I think that is why I decided to study and stay in the U.S.

My dad is a very smart guy. I remember I asked him one day that I can exchange his brain with mine. He said NO tho...
He used to tell me, "Susie, you were born to live in America. An active person like you will adjust well in America. I trust you". 

Haha, although I do not see any relevance between the US and myself...just considering it as my dad's joke. My dad jokes with me a lot...I have to bear this every single day lol. Jk, I love my dad's jokes more than anything in this world. I'm sure I'm gonna miss it one day.

Before I came to America, I thought my English was super good. I thought I was a genius in learning a foreign language because I taught myself English. 
Growing up I have gone through many private lessons and afterschool academies, but English was something my dad wanted me to study it by myself. Even when I was a baby, he bought me a lot of American toys, Disney movies DVDs without Korean subtitles at home and English books. 
I have grown up playing with them and eventually I figured out how to use them to educate myself. I studied English very hard actually. I sat on my desk for more than 14 hours per day. Listening audiobooks and memorizing sentences. I even had dreams in English sometimes. Now, I really do appreciate my dad's approach to teaching English. I love and care about him dearly. 

However, my expectation has turned out completely opposite after I moved to the United States. I felt so self-conscious about my English. It felt like even the 5-year-old American kids speak English better than me (I was devastated).
It truly broke down my self-esteem :(

Later I found out this is the issue that not only I have. 

Each year, Korea and other Asian countries spend billions of dollars respectively on English Education. However, people from Asia struggle to communicate in English even at the most basic level. 

Of course, Their struggle is a natural tendency since its not their first native language. 
Furthermore, studying foreign languages requires a huge amount of effort and time.

But, still, this shows the baseless of the Asian countries` traditional English educational method and system. 

Many students feel unmotivated to learn English; however, English education demands and obsession in Asia are increasing and the age of approaching English is now getting lower and lower. 
In the end, they study English for only assessment purposes, to obtain certain grades. 
It simply becomes an assessment tool to show their academic performance, nothing more and nothing less. 

One of my middle school classmates named 조현철 said, 
"I don't like studying and everybody in this room hate studying, but we are studying for better futures and lives. Therefore, I can bear this pain. It is okay to unhappy as the teenager because I strongly believe all my hard work will pay off later. I am unhappy now, but I will be happy later".
His answer saddened me a bit. 

As you guys can tell, the inner side of me is very complex and full of wonder and thoughts.
I don`t know how many people in this world have a similar characteristic and perspective of this world like mine. If I find one later in the future, I would be so happy. 

I have always found the human relationship is boring and useless. But, now as I am growing older, I began to realize its importance. In every interaction with each individual and relationship, there shall be sacrifices and scars. Nothing can be perfect. Therefore we are "earning" our connections and maintenance in relationships with people not "owning/controlling" them. 

In Korea, many students generally studying to get into a prestigious university. They want to earn enough money, get married, have children, and die. This life is amazing and cool. I don`t want to live in a cliché. I want to do something for this world. Therefore, I'll color my life with my own strength and own colors. 

Remember, this world exists because I exist. 
I am the main character in my own life story. 
I love Susie, myself, the most. 

[Day by Day] This is the old poem of mine

이 글을 읽게 된 누군가에게 한마디 전한다.

글에 담긴 나의 마음은 그 어느때 보다 진실되고 순수하며, 글에 담긴 나의 진심을 해아려 달라고 말이다.

하루하루 (1월 2일 2018년, 한수지 지음) 

무한히 스쳐 지나가며 

돌아 오지도 않고 

야속하기만 했던 2017년

영원할 줄만 알았던 나날들
전부 추억속으로 

그 고된 시간들 모이고 모여 

어느덧 수고한 나에게 

2018년을 선물해 주네

새해 2번째 태양 떠오른 오늘

여전히 반가운 것이라곤 

따사로운 저 햇살 등지고 

언제나 환히 웃어주는 

겨울첫눈보다 더 하얗고 귀한

나의 작고 낡디 낡은 죽마고우뿐이네

가주의 따쓰한 겨울 태양빛 아래 

온 세상은 수려한 것으로만 가득 찼거늘

절벽 끝에 두눈 가린채

홀로 바람과 맞서는 내게 

전해질 수야 있겠는가

바람이 긁고 지나간 

채 아물지도 않은 내 속 

어느덧 따갑게 달아올라

나도 모르게 눈시울 붉힌 체

점점 검게 타들어가는 

내 속 원망하리

허나,

이미 마음의 눈도 귀도 잃은 날 어찌하리

그저 바람이 연주하던 과거의 리듬에 몸 맡긴채
꽃 져버린 겨울 나뭇가지처럼 초라한 

내 모습 돌이켜 보며

이 또한 지나가리라 여겨야지

한때 마주했던 봄같은 시절들

내 마음 속 다시 찾아주질 않아 

타디탄 내 속만 더 태우네

고된 역경 몹쓸 외로움

다 굳건히 이겨낸 내가

속 하나 안 상했다면 과연 이것이 사람인가

아직 앳되고 여린 마음 깊은 곳엔

여전히 정다운 눈빛들과 따쓰한 애정들 그리울 따름이지 

머릿속 맴도는 어린날의 생생한 추억

깊이 감춰둔 묵은 나의 감정 

모두 손가락에 스며 들어

한글자 한글자 장단 맞추어 써내려가면

흔하디 흔한 그저 흩어 지나가기만 하던 

내 마음속 지는 꽃잎도 

다시한번 삶을 느껴 

다시 파릇파릇 새싹을 돋을리라

어머니가 말씀하신다

그 꽃잎은 분명 다시 피어날 것이라고

아버지가 말씀하신다

굳게 믿는다고

나는 이에 답한다

그 꽃잎은 한없이 자유로울 것이고
내 마음속 봄을 되찾아 줄 것이고

결코 행복할 것이라고 말이다